Stop doing whatever you’re doing to make me fall for you even more.
I feel so pathetic for going through all this, as if I was actually going through a falling-out or a breaking-up. When in fact, he isn’t mine in the first place.
He never was. He’s my bestfriend. And ever since he took up that role in my life (after all the awkwardness), it made me fall for him even more. I thought it’ll be easier ‘cause since he was my bestfriend, every single thing he’ll be doing would be something normal to me and it wouldn’t matter ‘cause I thought I’ll just get used to his normal bestfriend ways. But I was wrong, it’s not easy. It’s been harder to manage.
And since it’s my blog and I’m allowed all the cheese and drama, let me say this, quoted from The Fray: I wish you were a stranger I could disengage. I really wish it was easier to pull up from all the falling and forget I ever liked you. To start over and never admit that I liked you so it wouldn’t get as big an issue as this. If I never admitted it to anyone or even just myself that I liked him, it wouldn’t get too serious. I wouldn’t have to create this blog mostly dedicated to all my rantings about him.
I don’t know what’s so different about him from all the other guys I’ve ever fallen for. Well there were just two others, and they could never compare to him.
The first one’s not too serious but it started out kind of like this, too — friendship. He’s a really sweet guy and it just got built up from there. We’re still good friends now, which is great! I still like him, but not like him and I’m glad I got to keep the friendship. But we were never together so what’s there to take the friendship, right?
The second one’s not that serious, either, but this one’s more.. official? I’ve never admitted it to my bestfriends (I’m sorry!) but for some reason, I had this feeling of embarrassment. Or maybe I just wanted to keep it to myself ‘cause it was quite great when it lasted. And I dunno, I’m the kind of person who’d want to be asked instead of just tell instantly. It wasn’t as official as it could be but we were in a relationship but we didn’t declare him as my boyfriend, or me as his girlfriend. But we acted as if we were. To cut things short, he broke whatever it was with us off. From what he tells my bestfriend back at that school, he broke it off ‘cause he loved me too much to commit — which didn’t make any sense. It was funny ‘cause of course I was going through hell because of that so I couldn’t just declare him as my friend again. It looked as if he was regretting, though, ‘cause he was chasing after me (no bias here, fools). He started smoking again, kept sending me letters I’ve never read, and so on. I finally found out the real reason two weeks after: he found another girl. As in he frankly admitted it to my bestfriend when he asked him if they could go play in an internet shop. He refused and said: may girlfriend na ako, eh (I already have a girlfriend). Some shit.
When it ended I hated him, which made it easier to get over him. It didn’t matter anymore if he wanted to fix things with me, if he stopped smoking, if his grades are okay, if his band’s doing great, or whatever. He didn’t matter anymore ‘cause I hated him and I didn’t need him. I don’t hate him anymore. I’ve forgiven him for whatever heartshit he’s done, I haven’t seen him for around two years.
I don’t hate W. No matter what he does, it just never climbs up far enough for me to hate him or dislike him even just a bit. When he does something I could hate, I just get over it too quickly. I hope he starts smoking so I get turned off.
HAHAHAHAHAHA half kidding.
I hate this.
2 years ago • 0 notes